If everything is falling apart around you, it can be tempting to blame someone.
Following the end of a marriage, emotions run high. There are a variety of emotions -- relief, friendship, anger, grief, resentment -- but there is usually grief, an acute sense of loss, and perhaps a feeling of resentment. Then you start coming up with hypotheticals and alternate scenarios that are useless to anyone: "if I hadn't done X, or if I had done Z, we wouldn't have come to this."
If you didn't seek counseling, you wonder if that would have saved your marriage. If you did seek counseling, you wonder if going earlier would have made a difference. We look for people to blame because placing blame is relatively comfortable, even with our partner. But blaming others is only a temporary solution to our overwhelming feelings; it's not a lasting solution.
Assuming responsibility (including what your former partner is responsible for) is a far healthier attitude in the long run.
It's possible that some marriages aren't meant to be
If we think of why marriages end, we quickly put forward the usual suspects: finances, infidelity, lack of commitment, and so on. But let's not forget that some couples were never meant to be together in the first place. However, we cannot overlook the fact that some teams were never meant to be married. It is a fact that many bad relationships end in bad marriages.
A dissolution of a marriage from two incompatible spouses isn't always the result of their growing apart; it might have been a result of incompatibility from the beginning. If we like someone, we tend to ignore vital signs of incompatibility. We brush them under the rug and lay blame on lame excuses, becoming deluded with our faith that love conquers all. That doesn't always hold (let alone when it comes to lust).
Maintaining a relationship always requires two people
The Gottman Institute notes that the "magic ratio" for a stable, happy marriage is 5 to 1. This means that for each negative interaction during conflict, there are at least five positive interactions. Researchers Robert Levenson and Dr. Gottman have found that the ratio of positive to negative interactions determines whether a marriage is happy or unstable.
To achieve a stable and happy marriage, each spouse must strive for a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. That doesn't mean you have to keep track of everything; it just means to be aware that a happy marriage is both your and your spouse's responsibility.
After all, who's to blame for the divorce?
Unless you were physically or emotionally abused, you are each partially responsible. Neither what you said or did can justify abuse. Do not allow anyone to hold you accountable. It would help if you tried to learn from your past relationship and take the lessons you learned and use them to improve your next relationship.
Perhaps you learned that you are a survivor and that you are stronger than you ever thought possible after what you've just gone through. The lessons you learn from these experiences are valid and valuable, and they can help you live a better life in the future.
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