This week, in what we are hoping becomes an ongoing collection, DM168 is able to present a transcript of the most latest Cabinet meeting, taken from a leaked phone recording.
We accept as true with it suggests an extraordinary insight into the workings of the best degree of power in South Africa and could be educational for all residents.
Cyril Ramaphosa (CR): Gosh, where is anybody?
Mondli Gungubele (MG): Ah, we've got a whole lot of apologies, Mr President. Most ministers are out there on the floor – well, in a helicopter, perhaps, or one of those notable SUVs mandated inside the Ministerial Handbook for work with the grassroots…
CR: I recognize. Well, we need to get on with what we've, sorry, who we've.
MG: If I can also, Mr President, earlier than we start, the ministers simply desired to congratulate you to your brand new “My fellow South Africans” speech. Truly masterful. We suppose it’s the excellent up to now. Really. And the rankings had been via the roof, Mr President. Facebook is all applause.
CR: Thank you. Point to recall: when you’ve got a representative of the West to rail against, that’s always proper.
[Muttering down the other end of the table]
CR: Sorry? What does Uncle Gwede say?
MG: He says “I advised you so”.
CR: Right, sure, thank you Uncle. And we presume the West does not encompass Russia or Turkey?
CR: Thought so. Just a bit reminder: america paid for our first tranche of vaccines… Oh, and wherein is Minister Phaahla?
MG: [Consults notepad, phone, iPad] He’s out spreading goodwill. I suggest, he’s encouraging human beings to get vaccinated.
CR: Ah. Where is he, in reality?
MG: He’s in Pretoria, I trust.
CR: But we’re in Pretoria proper now.
MG: Yes, nicely, he had a few Afrikaner Christians to persuade. It appears it became an Afrikaner Christian who incubated a new pressure, Omi – Omigod – Omicron, is it? Yes… He says he may fit to Krugersdorp later nowadays.
CR: Right, nicely, the outreach ought to keep. We don’t need all of the Afrikaner Christians to be worn out via a new version, do we?
[Laughter all round]
CR: And in which is Ms Ndabeni-Abrahams?
MG: Er… [looks at some papers, then at phone] She sent a message... She has gone to have a pedicure. At a small enterprise, of direction. She’s promoting small commercial enterprise, as consistent with her portfolio. In fact, she recommends that all of us cross and get a pedicure at a small business.
CR: Lovely. But I have an in-house pedicurist. Paid for through Shanduka, I might upload, no longer from the general public handbag.
[Muttering at other end of table]
CR: Sorry, what was that?
CR: What is a pedicure? Can a person please provide an explanation for to Uncle Gwede? No, it’s no longer a part of your portfolio, Uncle…
Gwede Mantashe (GM): Harrumph, huff, huff.
CR: No, you don’t have to go. And, yes, we’ll come back to you, Uncle. Now, Minister Ntshavheni, I believe we have a touch scenario on the SABC?
Khumbudzo Ntshavheni (KN): Er, sure, Cyril, I imply Mr President. But not anything to fear approximately. Internal problems. Disciplinary listening to.
CR: Did I read that this had some thing to do with that SABC interview that didn’t take place even as I was campaigning in Limpopo?
KN: Well, there may be a link… Definitely nothing to do with interference from the board.
CR: No? Was there interference from the board?
KN: We’re analyzing that. But we’re no longer saying some thing. We don’t need to look Stalinist. Or some thing just like the previous management. Or the only before that. May I remind Mr President that certainly one of my center names is Silence?
CR: Yes, so it's far. I consider now. I’ve thought it become one in all your nice features. Well finished, Khumbudzo. Where is Minister of Taxis Ses’Fikile Mbalula?
MG: I believe he’s sound asleep it off – the hangover from the local authorities elections, that is. He’s sleeping it off in his capability as ANC elections boss. Not as Minister of Taxis.
CR: Right. Good to look some separation of party and nation. I absolutely advocate Minister Ses’Fikile’s position. His supine role, this is. We will return to the problem of taxis in the new year. Let’s wish they don’t kill too many humans over the festive season.
MG: Minister Cele also sends his apologies, and I’m certain he’d echo what you said about the taxis, but as regards the police force.
CR: You mean that they don’t kill too many humans over the festive season?
MG: Well, I wouldn’t need to place phrases in his mouth.
CR: Quite. Not that you could. You can’t even put phrases in his brain.
MG: Yes, sir.
CR: Make a observe, even though – ought to chat to Minister Cele about the insurrection in July. I’m now not sure we’ve arrested enough human beings. Or the right people.
CR: Now, Uncle Gwede, if we are able to simply turn to you for a moment… There’s this difficulty approximately Shell blasting up the Wild Coast? Seismic survey, I trust it’s called. Anything you may do approximately the general public outcry?
GM: Mutter, mutter, huff…
CR: What does Uncle say?
MG: Something approximately coal, miners, fossil fuels and “We will never surrender”.
CR: Yes, well. I simply have to tell you, Uncle Gwede, that the ones women in Sea Point with whom I actually have a touch jog sometimes are very disillusioned that your Shell people are going to be deafening the whales and so forth.
GM: Gurgle, harrumph.
CR: Yes, I realize you don’t care approximately the Sea Point women. Unless they become coal miners. Or perhaps in the event that they become Turkish? Ha, ha, a little joke, Uncle… Don’t be angry. One should maintain one’s experience of humour when one is in politics, no? I locate it so important. That’s why I supply Trevor Noah a call each few weeks. Just to have a presidential snort.
GM: Huff, gurgle, harrumph…
MG: He asks who Noah is, and are you pronouncing there’s a flood at the manner?
CR: Ha, ha, you do have a feel of humour, Uncle. Cute. Yes, nicely, there may be floods on the way, especially now that monsoon season has hit South Africa, however you’d have to test on that with the Minister of the Environment. By the way, where is Minister Creecy?
MG: [checks phone, iPad, etc] She’s hunkered down with a few attorneys, Mr President. They’re checking the environmental effect surveys in this Shell thing. Making positive all of the i’s are dotted and the t’s crossed, or possibly it’s the opposite manner around. Before we get sued by means of some ecoterrorists.
CR: Good. Due diligence have to be accomplished, although it’s after the fact. Oh, and Uncle Gwede, just to remind you, in case you hadn’t possibly stuck up with this – Shell is a Dutch and British organization. So they represent the West. No troubles with the West whilst it’s represented with the aid of Shell?
CR: Ah, yes, nicely, we can be assisting you in this, Uncle. You can cross ahead with the seismic survey, whales and dolphins however. Plankton, even. I’d frequently aspect with the Sea Point girls, however I had been informed that the ANC has a stake in this Shell element and, nicely, I’m hoping there’s some profits there. I can’t in my opinion bail out the ANC each six months due to the fact Ace left us in the purple when he went on go away.
GM: Huff, wuff. Gurgle.
CR: I’ll take that as a “Thank you, Mr President”. It’s a pleasure, Uncle. But there’s a quid seasoned quo, I’m afraid. In go back, can you provide only a little bit of assist to Eskom’s green transition? Just a tiny, teeny bit? Maybe cut the unbiased electricity producers a few slack?
It is the destiny, . Remember while we used to have a future? It was so excellent. It’d be excellent to have a destiny again. And maintaining your coal mines going for any other one hundred years, nicely – you do recognise about climate trade? I wanted to test that with you.
GM: Huff, harrumph.
MG: Yes, he says he has heard of the climate.
CR: Wonderful. Thanks for that, Uncle. Well, everyone, I do trust that’s a wrap. Hopefully, our ministers will return to paintings in the new year. Thanks, all and sundry. I’m off for a pedicure. DM168
Shaun de Waal is a creator and editor.
Please be aware, this column makes use of satire.
This story first seemed in our weekly Daily Maverick 168 newspaper that is available for R25 at Pick n Pay, Exclusive Books and airport bookstores. For your nearest stockist, please click on right here.
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